Blowfishes originated years ago out of a GSD student's need to respond to the harsh criticism being dealt out on juries. A Blowfish is the completion of the statement "When a critic hands you a negative critcism..."
Submit your own Blowfish
Puff out your cheeks and point your fingers out around your face, like dangerous spikes.
2. Pre-emptive abuse
Slap your head violently and mutter "Stupid, stupid, stupid, I should have thought of that."
3. Misunderstand the criticism
Reply, "Yo mamma."
4. Defense in numbers
Consult with your invisible friend, and then tell him to be quiet and speak later.
Suddenly lose all English communication skills. Continue presenting seriously, in complete gibberish.
6. Throw down the gauntlet
Gesture aggressively toward the jury and yell, "Ya wanna go? Ya wanna step outside?" For a hockey motif, bear-hug a critic and try to pull his or her shirt up over the head. This renders your opponent both blind and prone to your punches.
Hide behind the nearest chair or pinup board.
Fall to the ground fast asleep, or, if this is inconvenient, gently lean back against the pinup board and doze off.
Prepare in advance and dress in a color similar to the site model or surrounding furniture. Then, in your moment of crisis, stay very still and make no sound.
10. Postmodern simulation
Leaf through your sketchbook and then look up and say, "I'm sorry, that's not in the script. What page are you on?"
Motion to a location behind the jury and point out the submarine that's lurking in the distance. Timed correctly, this defense will earn you sufficient time to disappear mysteriously.
12. Good humor
Laugh boisterously and acknowledge the critic's witty joke. Then, smiling, proceed to ask for more serious remarks. Continue to giggle at random intervals.
13. Tight scheduling
Immediately look at your watch, gather up your things, and leave the room, apologizing for a previously-scheduled appointment.
14. Witty rejoinder
Reword the criticism to incorporate the words "my ass," and then moon the jury, demonstrating where the criticism lies.
15. Sexual tension
Drop into a sultry tone and ask, "What are you doing after this is over?"
16. Lower the standards
Avoid standard terms like "plan," "section," or "elevation." For section, say, "This is what it would look like if you sliced the wall off and looked at it from really, really far away with a zoom lens. In black and white." Instead of "plan" use "strategy" until they correct you.
Cover your ears and start yelling, "La la la la la la..."
Point at any part of your drawing over and over again, insisting, "But that's right here. Right here. It's right here. You're just not getting it. It's right here."
Make the "shhhh" sound and look up into the distance. After a pause, ask, "Do you hear that?" Keep this up until everyone has forgotten the criticism.
Make your head spin around. In a pinch, vomit.
21. Macarthy approach
Counter all questions with "Are you a communist?"
Answer in Ebonics. End response with "dig?"
Ask, "Is it three o'clock?" Then spread your prayer mat on the floor in front of the critics and begin praying.
Say, "Interesting question. Let us consult the Talmud."
25. Power of suggestion
Wink at the critic and repeat over and over: "You love it. Come on. You loooove it..."
Say nothing. Hand the critic a cookie.
Look the critic dead in the eye and say, "Well, well, look at Mr. Fancy-Pants..."
Grab your stomach and run. Add: "Gotta go potty."
Say nothing. Whip out a roll of Mentos, smile at the critic, and freeze.
30. The Jim Henson
Wear a hand puppet. Have puppet answer all questions. If a particularly negative criticism comes up, sag the puppet's head and say, "Critic make Doinkie feel BAD."
31. The Scarface
Dump a mound of cocaine on the site model. Kneel and bury your face in it.
Substitute the word "Smurfy" at key points in your defense.
33. Infantile (2)
Bring stuffed animal. Gentle cradle it and weep. Sing a lullaby. Say, "Fluffy is the only one that really understands me."
Cover your eyes and scream, "Why don't they leave me alone with my dreams???"
35. The John Wayne
Insist on speaking in a Texas accent. Swagger. Refer to the critic as "Pardner." If the critic asks you a question you can't answer, make your hand look like a pistol and yell "POW."
Take a branch or stick, wave it excitedly, then throw it to the back of the room, yelling "Fetch! C'mon boy, go get it!"
37. Emergency landing
Calmly sit down, put your head between your knees, and fold your hands over the back of your head. Remain in this position until the captain tells you it's okay to get up.
Quickly repeat verbatim what was just said. Attempt to repeat each word said as soon as it leaves the critic's mouth.
As Jimmy Stewart did as Mr. Smith, begin to read every available piece of literature aloud, all night long. After all, you do hold the floor.
Whine plaintively, "How come I have to do all the work?" Alternatively, "I don't see you doing anything about it."
41. 90 degree rotation
Confidently re-present your plans as your sections and your sections as your plans. See if this helps.
42. Remove the evidence
Ignite your drawings and models, laughing maniacally, "Now you can't hold me for anything!" The local fire department's subsequent actions will naturally assist this defense.
Make the wah-wah sound that Charlie Brown's teachers make when they talk.
44. Anticipatory emuncular emission
Act like you're going to sneeze and remain in that state for some time.
Look at your hands in amazement, exclaiming, "I can see again!"
Drool as you respond, twitching occasionally.
Begin to respond to the criticism, but then turn progressively violent, beating the living crap out of the critic, all the while repeating the criticism in a mocking voice. Continue doing this until the critic "cries like a little girl."
48. Taxi Driver
Re-enact DeNiro's famous mirror scene until the critic backs down in fear.
If you're wearing a jacket or vest, put your hand under your armpit and ask suspiciously, "You got prob wid dat?"
Run to the nearest unsuspecting person and tag him or her, saying "You're it." Then clear out, or you'll be tagged back.
Abruptly tickle the critic. Vulnerable areas are the armpit, the belly, and the sides. The word "goochie-goo" may or may not cause more sensitivity in the critic.
52. Focus power (chi)
With a serious manner, straighten your body, look at the critic severely, then explain, "Architecture here!" (tapping on your chest) "No here!" (tapping on the critic's head).
53. Impending doom
Hesitantly respond to the criticism, concentrating on the area of ceiling directly above the critic's head. After a little while, start backing away from the critic slowly.
54. Special interests
Make your rebuttal based on the endangered mystical animals which inhabit the area of the critic's concern. For example, "But unicorns are fatally allergic to exhaust fumes, so there can't be parking anywhere near there."
Entertain the jury by responding in charades. It doesn't matter what you're trying to say. As long as you keep pointing to your nose enthusiastically and nodding your head whenever a critic makes a guess, they'll be happy.
56. Unknown trouble
Search through your pockets with concern, check your watch, then mutter, "Damn. Well, I guess it's going to be too late for that." Appear troubled, and answer all questions with resignation. While answering, keep watching the door as if someone is going to arrive. When a critic asks if you have something you need to do, hastily reply, "Forget it. Just keep talking."
57. Fade away
Begin your response in earnest, and point out something on the drawing or model for the critic to focus on. While the critic is turned away, slowly start walking toward the door without interrupting your sentence. As soon as you reach the door, bolt down the hall and hide in a stairwell.
58. Fashion statement
Treat the area in front of the jury as a fashion show runway. Strut back and forth with flair. Not only will you look glamorous, you'll feel glamorous.
Move directly in front of the critic and steadly blow in his or her face. Staying up all night will ensure a sufficiently repulsive breath.
Try to make yourself as tall as possible, raising your arms high above your head, making an offensive noise. The hungry critic will back down and search for less intimidating prey.
61. Bill and Ted
Make the devil sign with your hand, raise it above your head and shout, "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" The audience should cheer loud enough for you to make an exit.
Play the cloud game. Turn to your drawing in fascination and point out how certain drawings look like faces or dragons.
Drive a pushpin through your hand into the pinup board, then ask the critic to do your other hand.
Drop to your knees and prepare to disembowel yourself. Remember, through the stomach, then up through the heart. Hand the critic a katana and ask him or her to be ready to decapitate you if you fail to reach the heart.
Take your X-acto and cut your right pinkie finger off. Wrap it in a white cloth and hand it to the critic to prove your commitment and utter shame.
Take a deep breath and hold it until your body twitches in dramatic paroxysms.
67. Junior High
Yell, "I hate you and your stupid rules!" Then stomp to a corner of the room, face the wall and turn up the music really loud. Ignore all calls to come to dinner.
Spark up a joint and offer it to the critic. Begin philosophizing about life.
Arrange it so that at the moment of your review, a catering crew comes in and sets up a full spread, just for you and the jury. Food warms the soul.
70. Lost childhood
Look sad and mutter, "This is the worst school for show-and-tell I've ever been to."
Determine quickly which member of the jury means the most to the critic. Then grab that person, hold a knife to his or her throat, and demand that all negative criticisms must end. You might as well ask for a little spending money, too.
Wear an eyepatch and a parrot. Use a raspy voice, saying words like "matey," "lassie," "scurvy," and "plank." Begin all sentences with "aarghh..."
Simply state, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."
74. The Erotic Challenge
Drop your pants and ask, "Don't you think it's time we put the Stud back in Studio?"
75. Connect Four
Ask sternly, "Where? I don't see it." If the critic presses his point, admit defeat and whine, "Pretty sneaky, sis."
76. Little Dee
Put your hands on your hips and say with flare, "Shut yo bitch ass up." If possible, slide your head side to side scoffingly.
Hug the critic fiercely, putting all your weight on his or her arm. Grunt and squawk a lot.
Post a list of the critics next to your drawings. Write a check minus next to the critic's name and say, "See that? That's for you."
79. Bad Dog
Roll up a newspaper and whack the critic squarely on the nose. It causes a brief, sharp pain, but no permanent damage is done.
Confidently answer, "Because that's how we people do it back in the old country."
Say, "Oh sure, I guess if you wanted to be technical about it. I guess I could design it, or draw it, if you wanted to be anal." Keep making the quoting gesture with your fingers when you use key words.
82. Secret Ink
Answer, "You can't see that because I drew it in lemon juice. You have to hold it above a lamp to read it, but don't tell the bad guys that's how you do it. Shh, it's a secret." Wink.
83. Gift Horse
Indignantly say, "Ok, if you don't like it, fine." Then push the pinup board with all your drawings out the door and charge down the hall, yelling, "I'm going to find someone who does!"
84. Hard Worker
Immediately take down your drawings, roll them up, and head out the door. Tell them you'll be back with an answer.
85. Pee Wee's Secret Word
Choose any word the critic uses and designate that the Secret Word. Whenever anyone says it, scream.
Pull out a Pez dispenser and sheepishly offer the critic Pez, saying "Pez?" When you pull the head back to eject the Pez, giggle. Then become enraptured by the device and keep spitting Pez out until they're all gone. Then you cry.
87. Bladder Dysfunction
Have a loaded watergun in your pants before hand. Put your hands in your pockets as soon as the critic begins speaking. Gradually squirt water into your pants until the critic lets you go clean up.
Respond sarcastically, "What are you, some sort of critic?"
89. Bill of Rights
Plead the fifth. Refuse to answer any questions without the presence of your lawyer.
90. Bill of Rights (2)
Plead the second. Brandish one or more firearms.
Prance around and taunt the jury, "I won't tell you anything until you guess my name!"
92. Due Process
Look around in puzzlement and say, "Hey, these aren't my peers. When do I get my phone call?"
93. The Name Game
Begin singing, "Ana Banna Fo Fanna, Fee Fie Fo Fanna..."
Explain to the critic, "Please don't point. It's rude to point." Then hand the critic a dart. "Here." If the critic misses, say apologetically, "Oh I'm sorry. Would anyone else like to try?"
Roll your eyes and sigh, "Everyone's a critic now."
Angrily shout, "There are people starving in the world, countries ravaged by war, and all you can talk about it how this imaginary design project is flawed?"
Take out a colorful flower, bury your nose in it, take a deep sniff, and say, "How I do like the smell of flowers." Smile blissfully.
98. Popularity Game
Turn your head and say with sarcasm, "Ok, who invited the cool guy?"
Drop your jaw and say with disbelief, "My God, you're one of them, aren't you?" Then look around and accuse the jury, "I bet you're all in on this together. They sent you, didn't they?"
100. Sales Pitch
Talk very fast and aggressively sell your project. Keep shouting progressively lower prices until you make the sale. Don't forget to befriend the critic by asking him where he1s from, how beautiful his daughter (wife) is, and how smart he seems.
Cue the clown to come in with the balloons and gather everyone in singing Happy Birthday.
102. Pop the Question
Get down on one knee and explain, "I wanted to do this another way, but you forced my hand. Will you marry me?" Present any loop-shaped piece of your model as the ring, but try to use a particularly fancy building.
Recite as much as you know. Ask others to hum patriotic themes in the background.
104. Wizard of Oz
Wear red shoes (preferably with sequins) and click your heels together, repeating, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home..."
105. Cuddly Wuddly
Bring an irresistably cute fuzzy creature to the review. Try to explain it as relevant to the project. Petting is encouraged.
Run into another room, call home, then run back in with the answer. Tell them, "I'm just filling in. The real (your name here) is home sick in bed."
107. School House Rock
Slump down, look dejected, and start singing, "I'm just a bill, just a lonely ol' bill, and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill..." This method garnered the sympathy of that freckled boy in the cartoon, and it might work for you.
108. School House Rock (2)
Smile brightly, make the "good idea" pointing gesture, and sing, "As your body grows bigger, your mind gets smarter, it's great to learn, 'cause knowledge is power! It's School House Rocky, a chip off the block of your favorite schoolhouse, School House Rock!"
109. Apocalypse Now
Slowly run your hand down your face, mumbling, "The horror, the horror..."
Suddenly scream like a monster and lumber around the room with your arms straight out. Proceed to crush your models like a small Japanese village.
111. Performance Art
Recite your favorite lines from "The Fountainhead" while you perform a short interpretive dance expressing disdain for the critic's opinion. Then set your model on fire.
Flash your hottest moves, from the moonwalk to the backspin. It's still as awesome as it was back then.
113. Darth Vader
Breathe heavily while extending your hand toward your critic's throat as if to choke him with the Force. Say, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
114. Mr. Rogers
Change into a sweater and some sneakers, sit down, and lean to the critic. "Would you like to be my neighbor?"
115. Food Truck
Respond as if momentarily distracted, "Oh I'm sorry. Yu Shang Chicken, chopsticks, and a bag." Then hand the critic $4.00 and wait for change.
116. BA Baracus
In best possible Mr. T accent, respond with "I wanna help the kids, Hannibal." Before the look of confusion sets in on the critic's face, add, "I ain't gettin' on no plane with no crazy person!!!" As a last resort: "Sucka, I pity the fool who asks me those questions." Gold Chains a plus.
117. Vanilla Ice
(In best homeboy accent) "Yo, I knew you wouldn't get it...I'm from the street." Respond to all other comments with "Word to your mother." Added bonus if the phrase "Go ninja, go ninja, go" is used.
118. A Boy Named Sue
At first sight of confrontation, get all worked up and yell, "You're my bitch, baby." Wave a gun or "gat" for added seriousness. For west coast gangsta rap pronounciation of bitch is "bee-yatch."
119. Reboot Windows
When a point is made, be in complete agreement, explain how this sometimes happens, take down everything and put it back up again. If same point is made, seem puzzled and say "this usually works on windows...must be a corrupt file."
120. I Dream of Jeannie
When asked a question, fold your arms and quickly nod your head (making the "doink" noise). Then open hands and seem amazed that nothing appeared. Apoligize with "I'm so sorry, master." Pink scarves a plus.
121. The Put Off
When confronted with a question you can't answer, respond with "I can't get into that now, why don't you see me after class" OR "I'll will get to that later" (but you never do) OR nonsarcastically "That is a really good point, I am so glad someone brought that up...would (pick someone in the crowd) like take a stab at it?"
Wait for "el muchacho" to finish his statement and then yell "Hey Macarena" at the top of you lungs. Jump 45 degrees to you left and proceed to do the macarena. Macarena your butt out the door.
123. Photo Shoot
Bring with you a disposable camera. Make sure there is a flash. At the first sign of trouble begin snapping photos of the crowd. Use phrases like "pout baby" and "yes, the camera loves you". If problems persist, ask the critics to take off their tops. When they refuse call them amateurs and demand that they leave your studio at once.
124. Foggy Day
If the critic complains that your section is unclear, explain that there was a dense fog when you took that section.
125. The Bouchard (of Quebec Separation Fame)
When things get tough, arrange for a flesh eating disease to invade your leg. This distracts your critics, re-invigourates your friends, and the new wooden leg is a useful place to hide a weapon for your next confrontation.
126. Fantastic Four
Act like you really do have a model and drawings of what the critic is asking for. When your bluff is called, yell, "They're here! The Invisible Girl found me out!" Explain hysterically that "it's clobberin' time."
127. Wizard of Oz (2)
Pick up your model, cradle it in your arms and pet it, whispering, "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
128. Spit Take
Take a big sip of some liquid as the critic begins to speak. As the first mention of criticism, abruptly spit the liquid all over the critic and act flabbergasted.
Impulsively grab the critic's head with both hands and proceed to lick his or her face from chin to forehead in one stroke. Smack your lips, ponder the taste, then say, "I thought so."
130. Quantum Leap
Mutter impatiently, "Al, how come I'm not leaping?" Keep smiling at the critics.
131. Wet Paint
If there is a portion of your model that is not resolved, cover it with a small placard reading "Wet Paint." If the critic motions toward that area, quickly chide him or her "Don't touch that, it's wet." A clear varnish or shellac will make this more convincing.
132. A Very Brady Defense
Before the crit begins, pin up a poster of your favorite rock group or some supermodel. Look at the poster in disbelief then explain, "Oh, my son Bobby must have grabbed the wrong tube at the fair."
Just as the criticism gets doing look up in wonder and yell, "oh oh, choppers! Incoming wounded!" and run out of the room.
134. Star Trek
To anything the critic says, respond with your best Scottish, "But sir, I can't make the architecture do that! She'll never hold together!"
Anticipate what the critic is about to say (something easy like "moment" or "condition" or "threshold"), say it simultaneously, then say "Jinx!" If any of the other critics attempt to release the jinxed critic, jinx them too.
136. Scarface (2)
Ask if the critic would like to say hello to your "little friend."
137. Homer Simpson
Let your body go limp and lean your head back with mouth open. Then in a half gargling voice repeat the criticism as if it is something good to eat. "ahhh... integrate..." If this does not work go in to a meaningless short humorous sketch about chocolate.
Switch to a ridiculously large gun and blow the critics in to chunks of meat and a rain of blood. Then move to the next pin up room, and repeat. Do not forget to grab health points and fresh ammunition on your way.
139. One of Them
Do not pin up anything. Dress in black (or in a saturated-blue button-down collared shirt with white buttons) and sit in the front row with the jury. Confidently criticize everyone else's work to make the jury think you are one of them.
140. News Anchor
Stick a finger in your ear, as if receiving a bulletin through an earpiece. Haltingly inform the critic: "Wait a minute... yes... I'm receiving word that... It is indeed as you say, not like it looks here. Again, the latest news is that you are correct, and this drawing is NOT accurate."
141. Hollywood Audition
For females, wear a very tight white v-neck shirt. Slightly tilt your body forward with hands at your hips. Making sure the cleavage is at eye level to the juror. After the critique approach one of the jurors individually and ask him how you could improve the project. During the entire conversation stare at him with wide child-like eyes,responding to the critique with "Oh's and Ah's"
142. Interrupting Cow
Start your presentation by saying "Knock, knock." They say "Who's there?" You say "The interrupting cow." They say "The interrup..." You say "Moo." Then proceed to present your project. When they say "Ineffectual" or "Simplistic" or anything else not particularly nice, you say "Moo" intermittently while they are talking. And laugh each time because it's really, really funny.
143. Wizard of Oz (3)
When those evil monkey critics start to attack, pull out an ample supply of poppies and suddenly they will become very, very sleepy.
144. World Cup
At the very first positive comment, throw your hands in the air and run crazy around the room, screaming cheer. Have your classmates lift you on their shoulders. Doing a running slide on your knees if you can avoid rugburn. Don't stop until the referee blows his whistle.
Scratch your chin and answer humbly, "I'm just a farmer. I don't know about your fancy angles and smarty mumbo-jumbo." If they insist that you are an architecture student, reply, "Well, I don't know about that. I'm just a farmer."
146. Roberto Duran
Utter the words made famous by Roberto in the first round of his fight with Sugar Ray: "no mas". Then you have your trainer (studio mate or critic) throw the towel onto the model.
Reply, "No shit, Sherlock," to everything the critic says. See if you can convince the other jurors to join you.
148. Legal Drama
Have a colleague stand up and yell, "Objection!" after which another colleague must say sternly, "Sustained." Feel free to look smug.
149. Spinal Tap
In bad cockney, respond with a puzzled look, "But this one goes to eleven."
Suddenly drop to your knees and start running around, pointing upwards, yelling: "Ze plane, ze plane!" That should refocus their attention from your project to Fantasy Island.
151. The Deliverance
Escort your critic to the nearest stump and ask him or her to squeal like a pig. A banjo accompaniment makes a useful addition.
152. Reverse Anxiety
Turn the tables on the critics and arrive al fresco, as a highly desirable alternative to imagining your critics naked.
153. Friend of Aquaman
Pause two seconds, then respond in a high-pitched voice, "Hellooooo, Aquaman."
Cut off every word with "uh-huh".
155. Karate Kid
Assume the crane position. There is no defense.
156. Lion Tamer
Pick up an empty chair and thrust its legs at the critic. The chair's legs will give the critic four new points of interest, and then he or she will attack the chair out of frustration.
157. The Matrix
Repeat the following mantra: "There is no spoon." Then bend the Matrix to your advantage.
Begin to floss while audibly agreeing with your critics. Focus on the molars. If they aren't impressed by your project, they might be persuaded by your good oral hygiene.
159. Martha Stewart Style
With an apron on, look at the questioning juror in the eyes and say, "So you ask me why I do it this way. Well, as a happy divorcee, I did it like this because I like it." End with a confident and condescending smile.
While listening to critic, begin to twitch nose and frown. Develop this into heavy sniffing and, with a quizzical expression, turn to jury and say, "What is that smell?" Slowly turn back to critic and ask if their tum-tum is hurting, while developing sniffs into a hacking fit.
161. Hollywood Exec
As soon as the critics begin to talk, interrupt them, rudely, and let them know they have to make their pitch in 15 words or less, otherwise you are "just not interested" and "there just isn't a market..."
162. Kiss of Death
After a moment of silently staring them down, walk confidently up to the critic. Take critic's head in your hands. Apply firm kiss to the lips. Then say, "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." Later, send Al Neri fishing with the critic and "take care of them."
163. 10-Yard Penalty
Bring a whistle and a yellow handkerchief to the review. Crouch down, stare at the critics, and be prepared to move quickly out of the way. When the critic uses design techno-jargon, blow the whistle and throw the flag, while yelling "Improper use of the English language, 10-yard penalty!"
164. Jedi Mind Trick
Raise your hand to the juror and say, "These drawings are the best you've ever seen." Done correctly to the proper authority all other jurors will follow and applaud your efforts.