Video Replay:

Some Memorable Box Office Failures

I saw The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Down a Mountain (1995) after it had made a quick trip through Harvard Square straight to the $2.50 cinemas in Somerville. They must not have multiplexes in England, or they would have never come up with a title that long. It’s a quirky character study in the Local Hero mold celebrating Welsh pride, and the English penchant for pointless endeavors. It was Hugh Grant’s other summer film, in and out of the theaters before he had to go on all the talk shows and confess that he never get’s invited to Charlie Sheen’s parties. Hugh is one of two English surveyors sent to Wales during World War One to measure the height of the mountains, in the hope that in some bizarre way this knowledge will help the war effort. The film is set in a Welsh village that proudly claims to have the first mountain in Wales. However the Englishmen find the height to be 984 feet, just 16 feet short of a mountain (after all rules are rules). What follows is predictable--if you can’t bribe the surveyors, make some changes in the mountain--but great fun. With Colm Meaney (Deep Space Nine) as the local pub owner, Tara Fitzgerald (Hear My Song) who’s has to keep Hugh and his partner in town long enough for the villagers to adjust the height of the mountain and an assortment of English character actors attempting Welsh accents.
 
 

It’s most unusual for a Zucker Brothers film to bypass the multiplexes and go straight to video and cable. Brain Donors (1992) is a totally shameless attempt to make a Marx Brothers film in the ‘90’s. John Turturro (Barton Fink) is a fast-talking lawyer trying to get a piece of the fortune of a rich dowager (Nancy Marchand, who is the living incarnation of Margaret Dumont). Bob Nelson is a simple minded gardener who talks some of the time. And Mel Smith (Morons from Outer Space) is a fast talking cab driver. There’s a couple trying to get their first break in the ballet, so they can get married, and for comic villains a pompous family lawyer and a prima donna ballet star. Sure it’s blasphemy, but somewhat redeemed by the fact that they don’t try to look like the Groucho, Harpo and Chico (except for Turturro who looks a lot like Groucho without a mustache). And sure the film company didn’t know what to do with it, but then they didn’t know what to do with the Marx Brothers in the first place (who never quite did as well as more predictable comedy teams like Wheeler & Woolsey and the Ritz Brothers).

Ten years before the Zuckers made Airplane, television producer Bud Yorkin (All in The Family, Sanford and Son) got in and out of the movie business very quickly with Start the Revolution Without Me (1970), a hilarious parody of just about every movie made about the French Revolution or based on the novels of Dumas. Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland play dual roles as two pairs of mismatched twins. One pair are Corsican noblemen conspiring with Marie and the Count DiSicci to depose the king. The other pair are Parisian peasants trying to escape the fighting. Wilder and Sutherland make a great comedy team (even doing a take off on the patty-cake bit, from the Hope/Crosby Road Pictures). With an introduction by Orson Wells, Hugh Griffith and an assortment of English character actors attempting French accents (I saw this once on a double bill with Tom Jones, and many of the principles are in both films) and a great deal of location footage filmed on the grounds of Versailles including a very chaotic battle scene.
 
 

For surreal Australian silliness you can beat Yahoo Serious’ recent film Reckless Kelly (1992). From the opening shot, a high speed helicopter shot heading over the ocean towards the land (a classic film cliché, made interesting by being shot upside down--cause this is the Australian coast, mate!), you know you’re in for some inspired silliness. Yahoo plays the grandson of legendary bank robber Ned Kelly (played by Mick Jagger in an earlier film). He lives on an island paradise--a rundown pub in the middle of a national park--with his extended family, and still dabbles in the redistribution of wealth. When a villainous bank president threatens to sell his island to the Japanese, Ned must travel to America to raise the money to pay off the mortgage, and in the process become a low budget film star. With Alexi Sayle (The Young Ones) as Major Wibb and an assortment of Australian character actors and other marsupials doing their own accents.

Then again there are few things funnier than a deadly serious Japanese sci-fi film. Solar Crisis (1990) stars Tim Matheson as the leader of an expedition to the sun (no, they don’t fly at night). He’s trying to prevent a huge solar flare from destroying the Earth. Charlton Heston is his father, a blustering admiral in charge of a space station. Corin Nemic (Parker Lewis Can't Lose) is his son, an AWOL cadet, who stumbles onto a plot by Peter Boyle, typecast once again as a sleezy corporate type who somehow has found a way to make a profit if the mission fails. Jack Palance is (you guessed it) a crusty old coot. And Paul Williams is an overly cheerful anti-matter bomb, bucking for a promotion when the mission’s over. Along the way, much scenery is chewed, millions of dollars of Japanese venture capital is spent (the special effects are quite nice), and the director has his name removed from the credits. If you don’t expect it to make much sense it’s great fun.
 
 

Lifeforce (1985) is equally pretentious, but at least has a sense of humor about it. It’s based on Colin Wilson’s novel The Space Vampires. Steve Railsbach (Helter Skelter) is the last survivor of a mission to Haley’s comet, which finds a huge alien space craft. Mathida May is one of three very human looking vampire aliens he finds and brings back to Earth. And Peter Firth is a British Intelligence officer trying to make sense of it all. When the vampires awake they start sucking the life out of everyone they come in contact with (except Railsbach and Firth, cause they’re part of the vampire’s plan). The victims also become life sucking vampires until by the end of 90 minutes London is turned into vampire hell. Patrick Stewart and Aubrey Morris are along to provide authentic British accents and John Dykstra (Star Wars) does the special effects, so well in fact that they prove an excellent distraction from the many gaping holes in the plot and almost certainly had a major part in forcing Cannon Films into bankruptcy.
 
 

So if you need a break from Waterworld, Batman, Braveheart and Babe, check out some certified losers. They’re collecting dust on your Video store shelves, and are almost always on HBO, Cinemax or Showtime (it seems they don’t like spending big bucks on movies either).

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