First, were you ever in the middle of an argument and couldn't come up with a more effective put down that "Well double dumb ass on you!" Then A: you've been watching too many Star Trek movies, and B: you need help from the man who always knew the right thing to say, you need:
The Shakespearean Insult Page: http://alpha.acast.nova.edu/cgi-bin/bard.pl
This page is updated daily by a Jerry Maguire, a High School English teacher from Greenwood, Illinois. You can triumphantly end the argument by referring to your opponent as "Thou unmuzzled common-kissing maggot-pie." They won't want to mess with you again anytime soon.
Or if you're the kind of person who wants to avoid confrontation there's:
The Excuse Generator: http://www.islandnet.com/~brokers/excuse/excus1.htm
Excuses are available for all possible problems. Can't face getting out of bed on a Monday morning try: "I can't come into work today because my shrink says that you are detrimental to my psyche. I think it has something to do with the inflatable platypus...no! No! Not that! Anything but that! Put that down! Arggggh!" and crawl back under the covers.
Then if Vanna White's not plastic enough for you there's:
The Plastic Princess Page: http://deepthought.armory.com/~zenugirl/barbie.html
home for all things Barbie. It includes catalogs of Barbie collectibles, and several Barbie dream scenarios. My favorite is "The Postal Assassin Barbie" pictured above. It comes with the caption "You know why they fly the flag at half mast outside the post office? It's to let you know when we're hiring!"
To contact the Post Office directly try:
United States Postal Service Public WWW Server: http://www.usps.gov/
Search for ZIP+4 Codes on-line, or buy stamps for your e-mail. They're just a government agency struggling for relevancy in an electronic age, and still the only way to send a fruit cake.
. . . Or so I thought, until I found:
Sunnyland Farms: http://www.icw.com/sunny/sunny10.html
Yes, Virginia, you can send fruit cakes electronically, and they taste just as dry and stale as you remember. But if that's not enough sugar for you try:
Yep, It's Barney's Page: http://www.galcit.caltech.edu/~ta/barney/barney.html
More than you ever want to know about the big purple guy, his small friends, his bizarre life style, etc. Regrettably one place you can't see Barney is on:
The Exploding Head Page: http://www.king.net/gilmore/head/
Instead there's Bob Dole, Tom Hanks, Boris Yeltsin and Rush Limbaugh. Click on the image and the head explodes, a simple concept, beautifully executed--but then it's only a computer simulation. If you want to try for the real thing try:
The Voodoo Server: http://www.nando.net/prof/caribe/voodoo.html
Actually it's a very serious discussion of origins of African based religions and their practice, and very little practical information on how to punish those who cross your path, but then this site is still under construction.
Some very practical information is available at:
The WWW Speedtrap Registry: http://www.nashville.net/speedtrap
A state by state breakdown on where Smokie hangs out, what kind of radar they use, and how much you can expect to pay if you get caught.
If they catch you anyway, instead of your one phone call you might want to try:
Welcome to Pizza Hut!: http://www.pizzahut.com/
and order an extra large for yourself and the boys at the squad house. Your order is forwarded to the Pizza Hut nearest you and then delivered in 30 minutes or less.
Cat fanciers might want to check out:
Dandy Lions: http://204.240.184.66/one.html
A registered breeder of pedigreed Persians with links to just about every cat related web site, including a guy in New Zealand with a sound synthesizer attached to his home computer so that you can talk to his cat--the cat hasn't yet learned to use the keyboard so he can talk back. With links to dozens of cats out there who have their own home pages.
Or if you just want to get away from it all try:
The New South Polar Times: http://139.132.40.31/NSPT/NSPThomePage.html
Produced every two weeks by folks at the Amundsen/Scott station at the pole, all the news from the bottom of the earth (i.e., It's cold, it's snowing outside, why did I ever let myself get sent down here) that sort of thing.
Then there are those of us at the GSD who dream in HTML, you might want to visit:
The Steve Godfrey Home Page: http://www.gsd.harvard.edu/~staffSG4/sgodfrey.html
who insists that his homepage is not the least bit silly. You be the judge. Or you might want to try:
http://www.gsd.harvard.edu/~hacksaw/hacksaw.html
for its vivid illustration of the principle that the only thing more irritating than blinking text, is an HTML Style Sheet.
And last but by no means first:
ROOM 101, the Bob Angilly Home Page: http://www.gsd.harvard.edu/~staffba3/bobpage.html
with links to all my old articles for Design Lines, In Real Life 1-3, my Roommate flyer (in color), the Angilly family crest and curse, and Bob's All Beef Hotlinks with connections to many of these and some even Sillier Web Sites.
Finally, (which is when you think of something after last) if you are starting to find this all more complicated than fun ought to be, help is available at:
NETLiNkS! Newbie Help Link: http://www.interlog.com/~csteele/newbie.html
learn the difference between a "spam" and a "flame" and other hip jargon to impress new found friends all over the world. It's all kinda like what CB radio was in the seventies, only with the added distraction of one-fingered typing. Bye for now.